The holidays are over. It’s time to get back to school. If you were up watching Netherlands bounce back in the last 5 minutes to win Mexico with a 2-1, chances are, you’re going to have your eyes half closed through the day. You’re thinking to yourself,”Stay awake…. zzzzz…. Damn I fell asleep… Gotta stop this… Why’s the time passing so slo….. zzzzz….”
But fret not. Today, you only need to pay attention to one class, which is this one. Here are 3 ways to sleep in class.
1. The Gangster Method
“I’m gonna sleep and nothing’s going to stop me.”
Practised all year round by yours truly, you just need some shut eye and you don’t care what anyone’s going to say. You just sit or lie down wherever you feel comfortable, be it your desk, outside the class, or most likely; in the discipline master’s office.
But hey, at least you got some sleep to go with that caning you’re getting right?
Success rate: 100%
You’ll definitely spend some time in dreamland, but don’t hold me liable if you end up getting suspended. Home is the best place to sleep after all.
2. The Sick Method
“‘Cher I got headache, can let me sleep awhile?”
One of the most common ways to have some legal (because teachers are the law) sleep in class, this method is used by three out of every four students at least once in their life. Of course, your acting chops have to be believable. What acting? that’s what this guide is for.
Step 1: Clench your head
Doesn’t matter if it’s the back or front or the side of your head, just put your hand there and grip it like it’s the toy you really want on a UFO catcher.
Step 2: Look down
NEVER look straight into your teacher’s eyes. Eyes are the window of the soul, and if (s)he looks through that window, (s)he’ll see Huntelaar scoring that penalty at extra time, spoiling the hopes and dreams of many a Mexican people, and just the dreams for you.
Step 3: Squint your eyes
As a precaution to not let your teacher see the window of truth that is your eyes, make sure your eyes are as small as that little Asian guy with glasses sitting at the front of the class paying close attention to the class. If you’re already Asian and have penknife cuts for eyes (like I do), then this step is negligible.
Step 4: Moan
Softly and tenderly. Make sure your teacher knows how you’re ‘feeling’. Let him/her feel your desires through your voice. Not too loud that it would seem obvious, but not too soft that they can’t hear you.
Step 5: Ask
Tell your teacher that you’re having a headache, and you need some sleep. Tell them with all the respect you can muster, even if in your heart, you’re thinking what an idiot (s)he is if (s)he believes you. But that’s exactly what you want.
Success Rate: 90%
Teachers normally wouldn’t turn a blind eye to someone who claims to be unwell. So, unless your rep is as bad as mine, then chances are, they’ll allow some nap time for wittle sick boogie woo.
3. The Buddy System
“Not that kind you pervert”
What I would also call the Tiki Taka system, it’s essentially passing the ball non-stop. As you sleep, your friend would keep a lookout if the teacher is looking at you, and vice versa. Since you guys watched the match together, it’s time you’d suffer together. It’s good training for guard duty in the future though.
Success rate: 50%
50% for you and 50% for him. You’ll both get to sleep, but for only half the time.
When you finally do wake up, you’ll realize that you’ve spent the semester learning absolutely nothing, and your exams are just around the corner. You’ll be stressed out for the few days of your exam and then probably flunk half your modules. Next thing you know, the only question you’re allowed to ask is “Do you want to upsize your meal?”, all the while wishing you hadn’t given up your dreams for the future for dreams in the classroom.
Written by: Foo Bo Mun